Really¿

Love...I thought I knew what it was what it meant but I didn't. This dumb ass blog never told shit about me I started this about 3 years ago while being bored thinking that it could mean shit but it hasn't meant shit. It just shows how naive I was and childish. Drugs and money are all the people I know care about family friends really don't mean shit to then. What do you people think love is? I think its a painful dangerous feeling.I had sex lost my fucking virginity to a douchebag who I didn't mean shit to then I fated him for not even a month, because none of my relationships last more then 2 month and I'm always played by men they don't give a fuck bout me my own father chose my step mom over me. I trusted his dumb ass and he broke his promise and went back to he. She beat on him and cheated and he still stays he's a dumb ass. But I don't care anymore because I have to move out of state with my fucking mother who never gave a fuck bout me. She never could return a call of answer its cuz if her that I missed so much of my siblings life they know I don't belong. I aint shit never will be. I just want to die all the time. They all screwed me over but I'm not gonna be like my father who blames everyone but himself for his fuckung problems. I hate being sober I love to smoke. I get mad when I don't have a fucking cigarette especially when they just happened to cross my mind. Every single one if my siblings have pushed me around and made me feel like shit about my self. I don't give a fuck about people calling me a hoe. I only slept with one person and idgaf. Fuck this shit. Right bow I'm blasting fucking music in my fucking ear just to forget what's really in my mind. The fucking cutting, drugs, fines, and my family issues. I fell for this dude from Costa Rica name Josh but I call him Monkey. He never gave me an answer about how he feel so now I'm going to have to leave and never know how he feels. That shit hurts. My fucking shy side is a fake. A Mask. I'm a bitch. At least I tried to be nice. The shit I'm saying probably ain't true only cuz I'm in a kissy mood typing fast and everything. Tbh I just wanna go and sit in the rub and skin my leg. But I'd never do that. I fucking did acid that was fun but tbh I think I had a bad trip because I couldn't get the reflection of my self out of my mind when I was all tripping. Such a grotest face. I fell in live wit a nigga. It was sealed when he took my virginity. That shit hurt worst night if my life. My friend said she's upset cuz she cant protect me from myself. I guess I'm that fucked. Well its my fault. My grandma wants me to stay in state but I can't deal with my fucking dad anymore he betrayed me. He practically told me to go by his fucking decisions. Me and him we're supposed to quiet smoking weed together but that all changed when he got back with my step mom. Now I can't stand being fucking sober. Being sober drives me crazy. It fucking hurts. I hate this it hurts and I don't know what to do

Love

      Some try to deny that they are in love and when they finally admit it, it usually too late. And that was what happened to me. Having hope that the person that you love, loves you back is horrible. It's horrible when they never tell you how they feel or if they love someone else. I felt like the guy that I loved never loved or liked me back. Back then I was naïve and only cared about what people thought, sometimes I didn't think first about what people who think by my actions when I should have. I was a fool. I got to close. I called him my best friend and let him in and when he didn't try to see me or show that he missed me I cried and felt like.
          "I'm a lightweight"............... Life shouldn't be about  waiting for someone to tell you they love you or wanting or wishing for them to tell you that you are there everything.
        Some try to make themselves fall in love cause they want to know how it feels. "Falling in love is so bitter sweet".
         When I feel in love it was unexpected I don't even remember when I realized that I liked him. But I remember when I found out that I was in love with him. It was right when I lost him. I was texting random people about him. It was 3 days after I moved back with my dad and stepmother. Love is painful and getting over it was and still is hard. I never felt the way I felt about anyone the way I felt about him. I was in denial at first even tried to be his enemy, but he wasn't that easy to hate. I cursed him out said I hated him but that all changed when I said I loved him in a text to him. He's a topic that I try to never bring up. How we started is a story I'd like to save for another time.

Goals & Me

         We all have goals that we want to achieve. Some people give up half through but some have such a passion to achieve their goal they get it done instead of waiting later to get it over wit. My goal is well......... I don't know. My life has so many unexpected changes in it I don't even know where I'm going to next year for high school. Nothing in my life is ever planned. People have goals and schedules but I don't. I want to have an apartment by myself with lots of anime plushies and books on my little shelf to make up for my lacking social life. Have my morning coffee early. Have my paintings on my walls. I don't have high hopes nor goals to be rich and famous. I just want a normal plain regular life. I want to try smoking cigarettes when I'm older to see what it's like and maybe try drinking alcohol.
        So that's my goal. Comment yours plz. Luve yahs <3

SUMMER

       I thought that the beginning of summer was going to be amazing. I was going to have fun and get to sleep well.......... I got to sleep and that's all I've been doing since its begun. Also taking care of my grandmother. She got surgery on her left hand for carpel tunnel and can't pick up anything wit her hand.
          Lately I've been feeling empty inside. It's been a long day. Its funny how when I finally get up the courage to type some thing I just cant seem to think of anything. So I've gotten myself a new boyfriend, yeah and how I broke up with the last one wasn't the best and I kind of regret doing it. Not because of my feelings that I regret it but how I did it. So my ex boyfriends name was Trey. So let me tell you a little about me and Trey's relationship. Trey and I didn't start out friends that talked a lot before we started. I barely talked to the guy but we sat at the same table at lunch at school, and a few times he let me wear his jacket when I was cold. So he started talking to me on Kik through a group chat. Then he suddenly asked me out the day before spring break started. So I said yes.......and so our relationship began. I didn't say yes to him because I liked him oh hell no. I go out with guys just for the hell of it, especially when I'm bored. So me and Trey almost went out for 2 months but I broke up wit him twice. The first time I just couldn't take it no more but then got back together wit him out of pity and awkwardness. Then the second time I just couldn't keep playing wit his emotions nor wasting my time when I liked someone else.
            So about the boy that I liked while with Trey. Lets just call him Dean. So I worked on a project with Dean in reading class and that's when I started liking him. He just was so sweet and nice and seem so innocent (I don't know how but yeah). Then towards the end of the school year we sat next to each other and he was just giving me all the things Trey wasn't. I am not a cheater and I didn't tell Dean that I liked him till after I broke up with Trey. He told me he liked me 3 days before the last day of school. I now go out with him and he is just amazing. I haven't liked a guy like this in a long time, More Like A Year. He makes me so fucking happy. And when he kisses my neck I feel like I've died and gone to heaven. Now I sound like a horny teenage girl. I'm not as old as most of you might think. AND YES IF ANY OF YOU WHERE WONDERING I AM STILL A VIRGIN NOT LOSSING IT FOR A WHILE!!!!
          Well that was my summer so far.

This Sick Twist of My Life

"There's a lot you guys don't know about my past" - Space Dandy. People at school will never know how hard it is for me. I hate this I'm staying in a motel right now. One pair of shoes. Living my dads friend soon. You don't even understand my situation. I wanna die. Nobody will ever fucking understand. Life is hard.

Tell Me About Life

Heres My Situation

Well I don't live in Wisconsin. I'm back home living with my grandma and dad.
I really don't want to explain it all but I ended up cursing out my step mom and I'm kinda mad at her and my dad. They got right back together and I'm so pissed.
After it all I ended up at the school I wanted to and this only happen a couple weeks ago. My dad is such a fucking fool for going back to a woman who beats on him. I don't think that's all the truth because when I did something bad I wouldn't tell the whole truth and I would forgive real quick. Now I'm in a bad situation cause I have to see my ex in school that I still love ( but he don't love me ) all the time. When we broke up it was because I moved away. Now just to let you know this is the boy I wrote about on earlier texts my fucking first love. So now you know what I'm dealing with by seeing him every day but just to make it worst he keeps calling me a liar because when he broke up with me it was because I said I wasn't coming back but I ended up coming back. I don't know why he keeps saying it. So there's my situation. Need some advice bit you know no one will comment.